Wanting to lose weight is a simple concept. ~~~~ Wanting to eat is a simpler one.
"If you get your tonsils out - you get all the ice cream you want"
"The family is coming over what shall we eat?"
"Happy Birthday - here's some cake"
"If you really want to get to know the people in the church you hafta come to the potluck"
AND "while you're at the potluck you gotta have a taste of everything".
I was so angry at my husband. The consequences of his vice seemingly dissappeared as soon as he quit. Next day he woke up completely restored to health, and good looks. Me? I stop abusing food, and I wake up the next day . . . . . still fat. I pouted a few more pounds on. Just to teach him a lesson. What lesson? It was like the big bad wolf threatening the pig in the brick house to come out or the wolf would blow his own house down. (a pig that can build a brick house will NEVER fall for that one, in fact, it cracks them up!)
It's not that I haven't ever lost weight. I can do it. I lost weight before each class reunion and after each baby, but always gained it back plus 20lbs, everytime. Packaged food, all liquids, cabbage soup - all worked. Everytime I gained the weight back plus 20lbs. Everytime.
I am a believer. To me that means I believe in God, the one from the Bible. During my journey to lose weight as an adult - I really didnt seem to have much of a weight problem before I was an adult - actually, not much before I became a christian. Before I decided to live for Jesus I drank alcohol to excess and even smoked pot a bit. Alot. A whole lot. Had I never smoked pot I would never have realized that it is possible to eat the whole package of cookies. And that being full, can help you sleep.That is what pot does to your appetite.
The thing was when I was doing all that I was also a cheerleader - 60+ minutes of cardio two times a week; I also had advanced PE - cardio and weight training at least three times a week. I also was singing in the choir and participating in the musicals - hearing applause, which can also become addicting.
When I had a choice whether to be active or not I chose not. Pot will do that to your motivation. I remember going to an away High School sporting event after graduation. waiting in the hotel for the event to start we found ourselves staring at the carpet, completely bored. Then we remembered the joint we brought with us. Smoked it. Then we found ourselves staring at the carpet, only now we weren't bored. That is what pot does to your motivation.
So fast forward to marriage. Intimacy. Insecurity. Shame. How can this appetite I abused in the backseat of a car ever be blessed by the God of holiness? But, somehow, the other appetite I abused was now the center of activity for "all God's children". Music, and food - nothing to feel guilty about the next day - no hangover, no munchies - no smoke affecting my lungs, ergo my voice. Ah, I have found my people. ( and the term ergo)
My Christian walk probably became confused from the moment I raised my hand and someone said " I see-ah that hand-ah". I couldn't understand why when the ladies had an evening event there needed to be childcare provided, but when the men had an event - there didn't. So basically the men had two nights free from parenting and the women only had one. The women were also the ones in the nursery on sundays missing the refreshment of worship, and the nourishment of the word. Hmmm. Couldnt quite grasp that as "Husbands love your wives like Christ loved the church" I think that's when I started to stop trusting.When I stopped trusting that God had my best interest at heart. What an ego, huh? To look up into the heavens and cry,"You call this fair"?
During the first years of being a parent, this frustration with what felt like an unequal balance ate me alive. So I ate back. Again no blame - it is just the way I reacted. And reacted. And reacted. And the more I ate the less attractive I felt and I stopped wanting to sing.
Then came the grand solution. I can sit behind a concert grand piano and all anyone would see would be my eyes. Like "WIlson", Tim "the toolman" Taylor's next door neighbor.(hi, Becky)
But hiding only works until about size 16. At that point, you can no longer just buy the "cute" clothes in a bigger size. Styles start to look more like maternity clothes, and even everyday jeans seem to give you the choice of fitting in the "seat" or the waist - never both.
During the 80s you had a small window of leggings and long, long sweaters which could look very similar on small women and bigger women alike, but then came the abuse of the legging. Women of great girth began testing the legging beyond the intended use, and with sweaters of inadequate length. It was tragic. The legging without a sweater of adequate length, is like looking at a bug under a microscope: it's okay if it's a pretty bug and there is no such thing as a "pretty" bug.........Like I said, " hiding behind anything whether it is a long, long sweater or a grand piano", only works so long.
That inability to hide forever may quite possibly be the reason step one is admitting you can't hide anymore, the leggings have failed, the grand piano has failed and you have now become the "elephant in the room". Pun absolutely intended.
Just to clarify, God did not disqualify me because of my weight. He never intended that I would stop singing. I did that. I looked at myself with disgust, He looked at me with a broken heart. I took myself out of the game, He has pursued me to return to rejoicing in my heart, to worship. To fellowship. Which is why step two is believing God can restore me.
So why the weight? Because it has separated me from my hearts desire long enough. And by coincidence(lol), also put me on the high risk list for Cancer. I am determined to be off that list, and back on the worship team list, someday. One step at a time. So if you ask why the weight, I ask why the wait? Today is the first day of the rest of my life right? yup. Yes it is!
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