Gloom, despair and agony on me....

If you have read more than one of my posts you know I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I doubt they are always easily understood by others but they are there never the less. (Is nevertheless one word?) Anyway,......

On the week before Christmas, we thought we were going to move slowly and purposefully toward the big family gathering set for Christmas eve. I had planned ahead for the dinner because I knew I would still be recovering from the surgery we had started calling "having my tires rotated", so besides preparing for dinner, the Internet was my shopping center. I just had to wait for the presents to be delivered to our door and hubby would wrap all but one: his from me. So for that gift I went the extra mile and had Amazon wrap it. With a personal card!!!(Don't Judge me!) Worth every penny. My gift from hubby came the same day, he hid it in the guest house. We always decide to get something big for each other that we both like and call it our only gift(the turkey smoker). It's not always big in size or $$, just big because it is for both of us. Then, even tho' it happens every year, he surprises me with something else, and I do the same. This year I realized I needed  to use his surprise gift for dinner Christmas eve and since we don't usually open our gifts until Christmas morning, I had to put on my begging shoes and give up the surprise. So I told him, "Honey I got you a coffee bean grinder, and I need you to open it so we can use it on Christmas eve" ... big smile, batting eyes, and the obligatory southern belle "please?".

Honestly, wouldn't you think that would mean I got to open my surprise? Sheesh.

Anyway, things were going fairly well with my recovery: I couldn't drive, couldn't lift anything, needed help getting dressed, and with other little details of day to day living, but I felt great for the most part. Then hubby started not feeling well. Through a series of fortunate events, a day of Dr visits kept me away from home, with him, and away from the pain meds. Good thing because we had to return to Longview from Castle Rock to take hubby to ER, and I had to drive. Good thing I was off the pills long enough to drive.

We were in a situation that was either going to mean an emergency surgery that was dangerous due to poor vitals, or everything was going to be OK after having some IV antibiotics. These were our choices. Terrifying or no big deal. We are hospital professionals because of my cancer history, my daughter had a terrible infection when she was 10 months old and severe anemia during her early teens, my son spent several post football game hours in the ER and when he was younger they began to know his name at the main desk,I started to count the stitches but gave up when I lost count. I never had to leave any of my family in the hospital over night. We have been there over night waiting, but I never walked out of  the hospital leaving them to stay in an unfamiliar room, saying goodbye and letting go of their hand. I was always the one in the bed.

Roland finally saw the surgeon and she eliminated the dangerous surgical option, but he had to stay on the IV for over 24 hours and that was gonna put him at the wrong time to come home the next day so we knew we were looking at at least two nights in the hospital. Under normal circumstances ( whatever that means) I would have called my daughter and stayed at the hospital, but by now I was definitely feeling the need to pay attention to my own recovery. Pain and fatigue + sleeping in a chair = TROUBLE. But as I said goodbye I was overwhelmed by the pain of deep love. Yes, I said the pain of deep love. I didn't want to leave. We tried to convince ourselves I could stay but ultimately this wisdom won out: I have to take care of myself because he could not, whereas he would be taken care of there, and I could not at home.

So at home, alone, I began to realize how amazing love is, how I didn't want to leave the bedside of the guy who spills little drops of coffee by the coffeemaker EVERY SINGLE DAY, the guy who does a million little things that drive me crazy, I didn't want to be away. How wonderful to feel love so strongly it hurts. I cried and am crying now remembering it.

I had been given a candle that makes a crackling noise like a fire as a housewarming gift just a few weeks prior. I thought if I could have the candlelight and that noise maybe it would feel like he was home and had built a fire for me like he has so many times before. (I was actually purchasing another candle like that one when he came in the store to tell me I had to drive him back to the ER.) It was comforting.

The brand is WoodWick just in case you want one. Not the cure for loneliness but it is a comforting sound.

He stayed two nights and they let him come home. Then on Christmas eve morning he ended up back in the ER this time with my son driving because I had taken meds and couldn't drive, I smoked a turkey - alone, none of my plans for dinner turned out exactly how I planned them (maybe one day I'll tell how there was an unplanned fire - which had nothing to do with smoking the turkey), since Roland was not working he changed the time to three hours earlier than I had figured for a UPS family Christmas eve. And as badly as I want to blame him for my overwhelmnity I can't. There were offers to help - but I don't know how to delegate help - I gotta just have people take over. I am gonna work on that tho', because I have excellent helpers.  I mean top notch helpers! These people are like the guys who change the tires on the race cars, help me out NASCAR friends - are those guys called the pit crew? Anyway these people are that good. Delegating to them has got to become one of my skills as long as they allow me to host our gatherings.  AND I LOVE HOSTING OUR GATHERINGS.


So I titled this with a line from an old HEE-HAW song, and if you are too young to have seen it, or too old to remember it I would not be surprised if there are clips on YouTube.

In closing, I guess I want to share that just as loving deeply can cause pain when we are confronted with loss, possible loss or even little frustrations, we can rejoice that we have known great love. Not unlike that old HEE-HAW song about gloom, despair and agony can make us laugh. During the Holidays I was able to share this with my in laws who are very much my family after almost 30yrs. Hopefully, they are not disappointed to be stuck with me, BECAUSE THEY ARE...BWAHAHAHAHA!

Thanks for reading, Geri

NOTE: Health issues are resolving and we will be making some health related changes around here so that we increase our chances of not having to leave one or the other over night in a hospital. May this post encourage you and your great love to do the same.

Sweet Selfishness - or - Christmas just isnt the same anymore

I am far from being the selfless non-materialistic person I would like to be, or even would like to SAY I have become one day.


I do prefer being the giver of the perfect gift, whether it is perfect in timing or in and of itself, than to be the reciever of such a gift. But theres the rub, it isnt sacraficial giving most of the time because I get such a return emotionally from giving. Emphasize most of the time.


I enjoy recieving, yes, yes, I do. I enjoy wrapping papers and ribbons and bows, gift bags and wondering whats nside then finding something wonderful inside. I enjoy recieving cards, and flowers, and boxes from the postal carrier, Fed-Ex and UPS. I am old school if you really want to give me a treat send a handwritten letter to me snail mail. Not everyone feels this way and thats ok. (to my children who are now afraid that all they will recieve at Christmas is a handwritten letter snail mail, relax, but you on the other hand might want to keep this in mind).


When we were children, we anticipated Christmas morning with the anticipation of a child on Christmas morning.....Redundant? No, it's just that there is nothing to compare it to except itself.  For all our lives anticipation will be compared to how we felt waiting for Christmas. As the years pass the anticipation does also. What seemed like endless days between Christmases turns into a blink of an eye between Christmases, so much so when we look at Christmas photos we might have to count children to see what year it was. For example, that was "before Carol was born"..or that's "the year John came home on leave".

The return to the true meaning of the Holiday is kind of a weird journey. You cant KNOW that Jesus was actually born on December 25th, and then the idea of the evergreen tree brought into the house and decorated with glass and shiny things or even food - well I can not even as a devout Christian tell you the true meaning of this holiday in it's current state. I know there are many ideas about it and most of what I do is done because it's just plain how it was done when I was a kid. And I gotta tell ya, I like it!

Then you can also add the journey of 400 years waiting for messiah. Waiting for redeemer, waiting for the lamb of God, waiting for the Christ, "the hopes and fears of all the years, are met in thee tonight". Oh come o come Emmanuel.

So for me the journey to finding the anticipation of a child again has to do with being a grown up. Yup, I am weird. Becoming a giver IS the circle of life. You are concieved and are nurtured by your mothers being, then born and most likely are nurtured by her for some months more and your other needs are taken care of as well. yes I think we can all agree a baby is dependant on recieving. Not to say their caregiviers don't recieve from their servitude. And someday when that child is grown and becomes a parent, they will also find they get something from giving. Here is the thing: grown ups get something out of giving.

Finding the anticipation of a child at Christmas is the journey to becoming a giver.

It is the sweetest selfishness I can imagine: giving because you know how good it makes you feel. It is a grand hobby this. Focus on the joy you can give to others and Joy comes to you. I'll repeat that because if I were preaching in an amen-ing church  instead of blogging I would repeat it - JOY COMES TO YOU!

So give. Find something worthy and give. Find someone unworthy and give. You're gonna feel great!

God bless you, in your giving, Geri

A Girl Needs Shoes

Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6 (KJV)

I was thinking about shoes today. No coincidence that I also saw the podiatrist. I have a few foot issues he is trying to help me with, today I used the breathing technique taught to me by the crazy surgeon who did an emergency biopsy on my breast without numbing me first, in her office with a nurse holding my breast like I was a cow getting a brand. (all I know about that I learned from John Wayne movies and Bonanza) Count to ten then backwards to one - over and over until you are through. The Dr was giving me a cortisone shot in the heel. UGH!

So I was thinking about how I walk different depending on the shoes I wear. Or don't wear. Then I was thinking about the God's armour verses, which brought me to here.

When I get dressed I put on my shoes last. Most of the time if I have shoes on, I am dressed. Yup hardly ever in the birthday suit with shoes on. I have gotten the mail in a robe, birthday suit, and Roland's romeos, but we have a delightful mail WOMAN. And she has been our mail lady through all my chemo and the rest of the falderall being bald and all. Anyway, for me shoes are last.

The helmet of salvation is on as long as Jesus is in my heart. And the loin girting is only in truth - to girt or not to girt is a question asked and answered prior to putting on the helmet. If you dont believe the Bible is truth you won't have the sheild of faith or the helmet of salvation, see where I am going with this? The breast plate of righteousness, well that was tested and approved by covering it in Jesus' precious blood. His blood will never lose it's power.

The nest verse is putting on the shoes so I will skip over that one just for the sake of my podiatry analogy, and because I put my shoes on last.

The sheild of faith is needed prior to any of the armour."He that comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him” Hebrew 11:6. So in order to have any of the armour you must first have the shield of faith.

Which brings me to the shoes. Different shoes make us walk differently. I am not a stilletto girl - mainly since I cant see my feet so well at this weight. But I have worn high heels in my day and I know you walk differently in those than in penny loafers. (Kudos to the women who can wear them and walk in them you do look very . . . feminine.) So My point is, no matter where you go, how you walk, you take that helmet, girt-er thing, breast plate, sheild of faith and the ever important sword of the spirit which is God's word.  And I believe If you hide his word in your heart, believe on Jesus that all the armour is portable. PORTABLE.

BUT, all the armour can be intimidating, harsh and dangerous without the shoes of the gospel of PEACE.  Oh have I learned this the hard way. All of the armour can appear to be mere religion if you come after others without the gospel of PEACE.

GLORY TO GOD IN THE HIGHEST, PEACE ON EARTH & GOODWILL TO ALL MEN!

Thanks for reading, Geri